Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Has there ever been a time...

That you have desperately wanted to say something through your music but just couldn't because the degree of the emotion was just too out of reach?

That is sorta happening to me. I've felt sort of like an outsider here in my new home far away from the place I thought was the only place for me. Back where I used to be, I fit in because I had orchestra. Here, I am a soloist in a sea of swimmers and band geeks. It has been a year. The year of the sponge is what I call it. Slowly, this sponge has been sucking out any confidence orchestra had given me, as well as my ability to share what I am really like with the people here. I was and still partially am convinced that without orchestra, I am nothing because they were the only people like me. This placed just seems... Self-centered. I was starting to wish that I was not Miss Conversational Orch-dork, and more of a Miss Gorgeous Girly girl. Tonight, two very wonderful people reminded me that I don't need to be that girl. They reminded me I can be Miss Conversational Orch-dork all I want, and those who protest should just be ignored.

It started out with a conversation between me and my best guy friend about why girls are so worried about looks. I said I couldn't help him with that one because that just isn't my area of expertise. That led to a conversation about why I wasn't one of those girls. I explained that I want to be adored for my conversation, not my looks, then said something about how I feel like I should have done things differently. He was quick to say that he thought I had done right and that's why he likes me... It was sweet. He's the first person to say I'm fine being the orch-dork that I am. I'd give him a big smooch if I could, but this was all through instant messaging.

I told my absolutely adorable friend Samara about this and she, just as quickly as my guy friend, agreed. All this time, I thought I've been thinking I'm wrong, when really, being anyone else is what would be wrong.

Corny huh? If it wasn't midnight, I'd try to capture these feelings in music. Even if I could try, I just don't think it would be possible. I know I sounded totally attention whore-y in this post, but I just needed to get it out, ya know? Winnie and I are going to spend the day together tomorrow trying to recreate this interesting evening...

Details tomorrow evening.

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